It is no secret that I am a bazillion times in love with my husband. He is my everything and I am not afraid to let the world know that. He is also one of the main reasons that I feel equipped to run this blog and share my brain cells with other humans. You see, he is my enabler. HE is the reason that I am able to pursue my passions the way I do and he is the reason that I feel 100% confident to do that daily. It is his voice that whispers to me when I am afraid to leap. It is his hand that comforts me when I sometimes screw up and need reassurance that the beautiful world around me will somehow be ok again. Him.
Recently he did it again.
We have had a few months of many trials and tribulations. Not our marriage. We are rock solid. But our life and the lives of the people and critters that we love. It’s been a 24/7 state of shake up lately.
I have struggled with some pretty major vision issues that I wasn’t sure would ever be resolved and now here I sit, a couple of weeks post op and recently just got back to my client load. Somewhere in the middle of the day, I got this horrible feeling of just not wanting to be where I was anymore. My brain was elsewhere. My heart…was elsewhere. And I realized that I had zero fire in the passion pit for what I was doing.
I don’t feel like this is just a funk. A blip in my moment. I have been uttering the words for a very long time that I felt like there was more for me. Today, that hit me pretty damn hard.
While I do love my clients here, I realized during these few months of struggle that I was no longer living the very advice that I give to my clients. I had allowed myself to slide into a place where I was at the bottom of the priority list and I hadn’t practiced self care in a very long time. I also realized that THIS was exactly why I was coming out of the year that I just experienced. I busted my butt to care for everyone around me and let the things that matter the most to slide.
And there was the whole matter of still having that nudge to want to write on a more regular basis. Something else that I side-tabled as my own life got chaotic.
My hub again whispered. He HAS been whispering. Sometimes more than whispering actually. Advising me to take some time for myself. To heal. To refocus. Assuring me that we are ok for me to do the very thing that I advise my clients to do all of the time. Put myself at the top of the priority list for a change. He assured me that it wasn’t selfish and in fact it was vital to not only my own health and happiness but also the health of our home and family.
So, as of a bit over a week ago, I am retired….taking a break…unemployed…otherwise not engaging in local teaching. Yep, I have walked away…at least for now. While I would love to say that it’s all margaritas and manicures, it’s not. I am struggling.
I don’t know how to not be tied up in other people apparently.
I cry almost daily as I struggle to find my own purpose again. I don’t know what I should be doing. What I WANT to be doing.
It’s empowering and maddening all at once. This freedom that my hasband has gifted me with has ripped me raw. Wide open to my core. And as I sit here this morning, with a new swath of tears just wiped away, I can’t help but feel so incredibly fortunate that I hit the husband lottery.