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Finding Myself, Sorta.

It’s confession time for me and this isn’t an easy post for me to write….and every single time I write it, I always feel the same. Like I am not living authentically. That perhaps I have misrepresented myself. Maybe that people think I am just talking out of my ass 24/7.

Today though, I am feeling like this post, the same post that I have put up in various forms several times in the past 10 or so years, may just be THE post that gets me to the place that I dream of being.

I am passionate about nutrition, fitness and living holistically. I AM. I want to grow my own food. I want to practice yoga and meditate every single day. I want to run. Oh dear Goddess do I want to run. I want to eat in a way that fuels my body and my brain. I want to LOOK fantastic. I want all of these things…and yet, I always find some sort of reason or excuse for why I am not doing many of these things on a regular basis. THIS makes me feel like a fraud and a failure. I want these things…but don’t work hard enough to make them my reality with any consistency.

Do you know why?

Because I am human. Yep. Hard to believe but I am. I have days where I can’t stand to be near other humans. I have days where I crave nothing but pasta, sugar…and cheese. OMG cheese. I have days where I just want to be on my couch, with no bra on, binge watching some stupid brain cell sucking series on Netflix. Days where I hate my job. I am just like you.

The only difference between us is that I have a few degrees backing up the stuff that bounces around in my head telling me that I should get up off my ass and work toward those things I listed up there. I KNOW its difficult because I am living it. I have struggled for a lot of my life with my relationship with food. My midwestern upbringing made me associate food with celebrations, grief and every single life event EVER.

While I have always been active, the only time I can recall having a fairly strict fitness routine was when I was a competitive swimmer in high school. We didn’t even do gym workouts back then though. It was all handled in the pool. Every day. Day after day. And I am fairly certain that our coach pulled the days workout out of his ass depending on his mood at the time. I also distictly recall us being told to snarf down a snickers bar right before diving into the pool for our races. Not exactly a healthy way to train.

The fact is, I get bored. I hate monotonous things. No matter what it may be but especially workouts. And if I am being honest here, I am not at all self motivated.

I allow life to take prescidence. I clean my house before I will work out. I tend to dogs, catch up with my kids, wash my Jeep, check the mail, call my Dad…before i can “warrant” time to work on myself. I eat while catching up on social media. (because you know that the world will shut down if I don’t get to log into Facebook atleast 50 times per day.) I tell myself that I need to snuggle up with my husband on the couch every single night before bed or I will be a bitch, when in fact, he and I would both be MUCH happier if we went for a walk together…or tossed around the frisbee with our pups when he got home.

I just….really want to make changes in my life.

I am 48 years old. I am still fighting with my weight being at a place that doesn’t make me cringe when I see a photo of myself…or happen to glance at the mirror when i get out of the shower.

Fact: No matter how much my husband tells me that I am beautiful, my self image sucks.

As I sit here this morning, sipping on my iced coffee and writing this post, I am vowing to make the vision I have for myself a reality. I am turning myself into one of my clients. Today. Finally.

There will be a food log. There will be DAILY workouts and walks that work into runs – without fear of injury because I know how to listen to my body. I will take Yogi Dasai’s sage advice and SIT each day. In quiet, so that I can hear my own thoughts. I WILL drink water!!!! (THAT is probably my worst struggle.)

I am hoping that some who read this may make a similar pledge today. Perhaps we can motivate each other. Maybe we can share some stories and experiences to keep ourselves accountable. Either way, I am all in. Today. Starting now.


About Author

Shelah has been a yoga instructor and holistic Nutrition consultant in South Florida for 8 years. She has a zest for writing and loves to help others transform their lives. Humor, love and proper use of F bombs are what keep her going.

1 Comment

  • Iris
    March 11, 2019 at 9:53 am

    Thank you for your honesty. Live you, warrior woman!

    Reply

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